Pastors and the word “my”
also posted at the CENTURY Blog
Recently a fellow pastor closed a conversation by saying, “I’ll get my secretary to send you that document from my Christian Education committee.”
I bit my tongue. I wanted to say, “Wow, I didn’t know it was legal in Minnesota to own even one person, let alone a whole committee!”
Ownership language employed by pastors is a pet peeve of mine. Using the pronoun “my” to refer to employees, committees, pulpits, choirs, communion tables–really anything other than actual personal property– sets my teeth on edge. Whatever the speaker’s intent, I hear misplaced priorities and dangerous assumptions.
Overuse of the pastoral “my” identifies the church as overly pastor-centered. If the pastor owns the committees and sanctuary and other employees, the implicit message to others is one of arrogance, control and a lack of welcome. Such language also undercuts the empowerment of the congregation to take ownership of its ministry. If church members hear the pastor referring to things as his or hers, they have less incentive to take responsibility themselves.
Most of all, using such language is just plain bad theology. No person is owned by another, and no committee or choir is the pastor’s alone. Instead, the whole church shares the work of the whole church. Using “my” language is theologically lazy and totally misleading. When the pastor leaves, the work will go on–it’s not for or owned by the pastor. It’s to the glory of God.
With this in mind, I tend to avoid even the phrase “my congregation” in favor of “our congregation.” I hope this communicates that the church is owned by no one person, and certainly not by me. Yes, many people refer to a church as “my church,” and I know what they mean. That’s okay–especially for folks who aren’t the pastor.
Ultimately, however, it’s important to remember that the church and everything and everyone in it belong to God.
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I read this post after I read the “About Me” section over the picture of you on your blog.
Too funny, Richard. Well…who else would want to own adamjcopeland.com ?
I tend to use “the congregation/people/church I serve” rather than “my church.” The whole “my church” thing is also a pet-peeve of mine.
The Sr. Pastor I worked under earlier in life once remarked to me “There is no way I’m sitting in my own pew when I’m here. If I’m here, that’s my pulpit.” And, true to form, those remarks were pretty consistent with his overall personality.
Sarcasm aside, I enjoyed your post and think that there is an unsettling amount of narcissism found in the language used by pastors/priests. That’s why I am not a fan of a marque board outside of a church w/ the pastor’s/priest’s name on it, as if the church belongs to that person, or that the folks are coming to see a show/performance where he or she preaches/presides over the sacraments. And like you said, it is not just bad taste, it’s just plain bad theology.
Good points, and I am always loathe to hear youth pastors refer to the youth group they serve as “my kids.” However, isn’t “my” sometimes just about relationship, e.g. my mother, my father, my assistant? Each pastor at the church I serve works with a different assistant…I’m on board about avoiding ownership language when discussing people, but how else do I refer to “my” assistant, without going through this whole scenario:
Me: Please give that paperwork to Becky.
Someone: Who’s Becky?
Me: My assistant? A person who works for me but not in any oppressive sort of way? An assistant at this particular church who just happens to be the one person who partners with me on all the things that I do and so you should interact with her on a regular basis when it comes to the particular ministry areas in which I have leadership responsibilities, as opposed to Darlene or Donna or Jan or Fran who all do very similar things but for only other people?
Just curious…
GAH! this is my (hmmm) pet peeve as well! i try really hard to not refer to them as “my students” but as “our students”, but am not totally convinced that’s much better. it seems to me “my” implies they cannot live without me, and we all know lots of clergy who subscribe to that– without me this church/youth group/college ceases to exist. does it make me a bad pastor/chaplain/clergy/lady-minister if i believe not only can the college, and it’s students, continue without me, but are capable of thriving without me? i don’t like the idea of being indispensable. too much ego. just too much. (and, as we all know, i’ve got ego to spare)
you’re wonderful. preach, preacha!
I agree that claiming ownership is bad, but does “my” necessarily imply that?
When I was under care and spoke of “My CPM” I was not making any ownership claim over them, but rather differentiating them from the other 170 odd CPMs out there.
For me, “my” serves as identification. My home is not the house I live in, but the community I inhabit which I do not own. Since I’ve retired, my church is the one I attend as a sitter in the pew (which I really hope isn’t someone else’s pew). My church is also the PCUSA which I certainly don’t own. I’m not sure “our” is any better, particularly when describing a church, which is God’s, certainly not mine or ours (consistency is the hobgoblin of foolish minds).
You do present a good perspective, though. At least the pastor didn’t say “my girl” which seems to be in the modern business lexicon.
I agree with the comments from Katie, Meghan, and Joan. While it might be something to watch, it might also be something about which we should just take a deep breath. If you look at only “my” pronouns to determine if I am a narcissist, then perhaps we might consider looking at a bigger picture. Do you really think that using “my” suggests we own people?
I referred to “my congregation” long before I served one as a pastor. Back then, as now, it meant, “the people who love me and with whom I’m on this journey”.
Adam, I must respectfully disagree, but from a slightly different angle.
I speak of “My church” and “my committee” meaning that church and that committee with which I am in relationship. I belong to them as much as they belong to me. I’ve heard the former CPM chair refer to “our inquirers and candidates,” and I certainly didn’t think he meant that the presbytery owned us. It is just as reasonable for the Session of “my church” to speak of “our elders” or “our candidates under care” as it is for me to speak of “my Session” — it’s indicating relationship, not ownership.
I also speak of “my wife,” and I certainly don’t think that I own her — I mean the particular woman to whom I am married. She uses the phrase “my husband” in the same way, meaning the particular man to whom she is married.
I believe that this is an unfortunate historical artifact in our language, using the same word to mean ownership and relationship.
Given this description, do you have a suggestion for a better way to say what I’m intending when I say “my church,” or “my Session,” or “my wife?”
Thanks for the comments distinguishing the ownership and relationship meaning of the word “my.” Two things come to mind. First, even if one speaks it meaning the relationship color of the word, a pastor’s relationship with a congregation is not a one-to-one relationship but a collective one. So I still think “our” would be better. Second, since English is not clear and can lead down the possessive front with poor ramifications, I think it’s worth just staying away.
(On another note, I also cringe when I say “my wife” rather than “partner” or sometimes “spouse,” but that’s for broader socio-cultural reasons and a post for another day.)
I struggle with this issue, and I think I (not surprisingly!) end up on the same page with Marci, and the others who agreed with her. This is a logistics issue – I need a way to refer to the man to whom I am married. I don’t think I own him, or he owns me – but I need a way to say that he is the one whom I married. I don’t know another simple way to say that, except to say “my husband” (or my spouse, or whatevever – another topic for another time). Same for the church(es) with whom I have relationship – it’s more an issue of being able to communicate. Language is powerful, but it’s also sometimes just language – the way we have (archaic or otherwise) of communicating ideas. What’s the alternative to “my spouse” or “my assistant”? And what’s really the difference between “my” and “our”? It’s still a possessive pronoun. If possession is the problem with using “my,” I would think “our” doesn’t really alleviate that problem, as its the exact same part of speech and usage..
That said, I work with a sponsorship program and I constantly correct sponsors from saying “my student” to saying “the student I sponsor.” It’s linguistically easy to do (not convoluted like “the assistant with whom I am a close partner in ministry and whose office and work is mostly closely located to my own”) and takes away that sense of possession. But I mostly do it not because I disapprove of the actual wording, but because their BEHAVIOR and attitude reflect that they really do feel ownership and I think they need to be reminded that they do not own the student, even though they pay for their education.
Language is complicated, and we have to be attentive to it. But I think it’s a mistake to read too much into it, or let ourselves be paralyzed by it. Sometimes a word is just a word, and there’s not a huge theological agenda behind it.