Beyond Mashed Potatoes: Giving Thanks Together
This week at Theology Pub we discussed Thanksgiving from various angles. I found it an interesting topic because giving thanks — and gratitude in general — is certainly not unique to people of faith. Apparently, the religious origins of the first Thanksgiving(s) are debatable, but in later years Thanksgiving certainly took a more religious tint. Abraham Lincoln’s Proclamation calling for Thanksgiving to be celebrated by all states on the same day (as opposed to previous practice) is filled with religious overtones.
I’m struck that giving thanks, as a concept, is perfectly well and good (it’s what our mother taught us, after all) but complications come with the follow-up questions, the second part of the sentence, the: so what?
Giving thanks….to whom?
Giving thanks…for what?
Giving thanks…by oneself or together?
Giving thanks…our of obligation, or out of true gratitude?
Shirley Guthrie’s Christian Doctrine is the most accessible and thorough introduction to Reformed Theology that I know. I go back to it often. Like the other theology texts I consulted in preparation for Theology Pub, neither “thanksgiving” nor “gratitude” is in Guthrie’s index. I did, however, find this glorious passage that’s stopped me short this Thanksgiving week:
Everything we have said about satisfying our creaturely necessities and enjoying creaturely pleasures is true only to the extent that we remember that God is not only our Creator but the Creator of all human beings, and that God’s good gifts are given not just to us and our kind of people but to all people. To deny these gifts (necessities and pleasures) to any person or group, or to support any political or economic system that does so, is rebellion against the Creator who said that the physical-bodily life of every human being is good. Christian Doctrine, Shirley Guthrie, p. 160
Thanksgiving, after all, is an act. It’s action, but in our normal cultural parlance it seems as if it’s all about stopping, looking back, reflecting with our kin. At Thanksgiving, many of us end up asking that question, “What am I thankful for?” But Guthrie seems to want to broaden our thinking from “I” to “we.”
What if Thanksgiving is not about what God gives me, but about God’s gifts to all the world, now and forever? Thinking of Thanksgiving in this corporate manner then pushes us further to consider Thanksgiving as action, as call to discipleship. It becomes more than about feeding the homeless turkey and mashed potatoes on Thursday, but about making sure all my brothers and sisters — all those whom God created and loves — have equal opportunities to enjoy God’s gifts. Or, further even, we follow our call beyond making “opportunities available” for all to perhaps enjoy God’s gifts, and instead we don’t stop until all are resting in the promises of God, not just possibly doing so, but actually doing so.
For me, the Advent season always takes on a wonderful sense of justice-seeking. As I prepare for Christ’s birth, I’m reminded every year that our world looks all too un-Christlike. This year, however, I’m getting that feeling a little early through the more secular Thanksgiving holiday. For that, I’m grateful; to that, I hope to respond.
image by bromundt
He says on SheSays: Forum’s new Women Section must go
My local newspaper, the Forum of Fargo-Moorhead, recently launched a new section: “SheSays.” No, you have not just been transported back fifty years (after all, you’re reading this post on a blog and the section title — “SheSays” — is clearly modern because it lacks the space between the words. SoHip. IfOnly.) Judging from the printed letters to the editor, the backlash to the section has been significant. I’d like to add my voice.
The October 2 article explaining the reasoning behind the new section is now ensconced behind a pay wall, so I can’t access it as I compose this post. Nancy Edmonds Hanson, a former Forum reporter, did quote from the introductory piece recently, however, expressing her frustration in an October 15 letter to the editor.
Hanson makes multiple sound arguments. First, she worries that women’s issues have been returned to “the ghetto” of a special section. Next, she discusses the history of the Forum nixing the “women’s” section years ago, writing, “Somewhere along the line, The Forum’s leadership finally recognized that many, many of the topics now been relegated to SheSays aren’t limited to women. Food, gardening, raising children – they’re obviously of interest to male as well as female readers.”
Her wise words continue, ending with praise for what The Forum does best — “your staff includes many of the most talented writers and news photographers in the region” — and basically calling for The Forum to distinguish itself from women’s issues magazines, gossip rags, and fluff.
Hanson, and many others, have expressed their dissatisfaction clearly. I understand, times are tough for the news industry. Ad revenues are falling. People seem to care less about local news, even as strapped national news agencies make their content available for free online. But, even so, a women’s section? Really?
I have two nieces living fairly near Fargo. I hope they never read The Forum’s SheSays section. If they did, I fear this is what they would gather:
- that the place of girls and women is the SheSays section, not Politics, or the Sports section, or Business
- that women are the only partners who care about parenting, and when they do so it’s mainly about what food to serve and how to deal with problem children
- that female reporters’ stories should be read with suspicion since so many are secluded in one section
- that women’s issues are distinct from men and the rest of society, that rather than being part of a community that must address gender pay disparity together, sexism together, and understands the full flourishing of women as a communal issue, it’s only an issue for women to discuss amongst themselves (if at all) and men have no part in it
All that said, I know no reason to assume ulterior motives, or that the SheSays move was anything other than a good faith move by the Forum to present a fresh look at women’s issues. Indeed, we have a long way to go on gender issues in the region, not to mention broader battles over race, sexuality, economic justice, and more. But I don’t think a special section is the way to go. It sends a mixed and confusing message, at best. I hope to see SheSays go, even as nuanced, deep, and thoughtful coverage of the gender issues that affect us all, continues.
image by Hilde Vanstraelen
The totally unromantic but wholly appropriate symbol for our marriage
I don’t often blog on personal relationship issues, but preparing to celebrate five years of marriage will make a guy reflective. Recently I’ve been pondering: this marriage thing is pretty spiffy, so how do I sum it up? And for some reason I’ve kept coming back to a central symbol in Megan’s and my relationship. But it’s not the symbol you might expect. It is not a wedding ring or love poem or romantic picture of a heart. It’s our kitchen table.
Our kitchen table is where our marriage happens. OK, obviously, it happens elsewhere most of the time, but the kitchen table is the place where we make our marriage work well everywhere else. It’s where we talk pretty much every night — about our day, about our plans for the future, about our feelings, and struggles, and joys.
At the kitchen table, we laugh and cry. We pray. And, of course, we eat.
Megan and I were both lucky enough to be raised in kitchen-table-eating families, and it’s one of the hallmarks of intentionality in our relationship. When we sit at the table, we’re there to enjoy each other’s company over a delicious meal (usually delicious, at least). So we also make choices about what doesn’t happen at supper time.
While we eat our evening meal, there is no T.V. on in the background. We do not listen to music. Our phones are in another room, and its very rare for us to take a call during supper. We do not text during meals. We do not surf the web. We don’t even read — except at breakfast, of course, when it’s the most polite thing to do because I cannot string a sentence together before my morning coffee. At supper (or Megan might call it “dinner”) we turn off distractions so we can connect with one another.
Now I’m not saying our relationship is some model of perfection. But that’s exactly why we eat so intentionally. Because we’re not perfect we’ve got to catch up with what’s going on with each other and watch out for what’s coming.
Yes we’ll eat out from time to time. Sometimes we have work or school commitments and can’t eat together. And by the way, it’s not as if eating without distractions at the kitchen table is some radical idea we came up with ourselves. But, we’ve found, for us it works.
So, five years into our marriage, our simple kitchen table is the symbol to mark our anniversary. And for us, at least, a saying rings true: a couple who eats together, stays together.
A simple way to help a brother out…
Well, he happens to be my brother, actually. Ian, a recent Oberlin College and Conservatory grad is about to start on an exciting new venture as a music teacher in Lake Village, Arkansas. He’s there through the auspices of Teach for America, “a national teacher corps of recent college graduates who commit two years to teach and to effect change in under-resourced urban and rural public.” Lake Village is a lovely place, but as he says, the social and economic circumstances that belie my students’ lives predispose them to schools and classrooms that are underfunded, sparsely furnished, and test-driven.”
Ian’s middle school classroom has bare walls. Today he launched a DonorsChoice.org campaign to raise a mere $273 to purchase posters for the classroom walls. You can help. It’s simple. Takes 2 minutes.
Click on the screenshot below to donate. If you can’t do that, “like” this post or share it in a way to help garner a few more readers. Thanks.
Update: goal reached in six hours. Amazing. Many thanks all!
I’m no man for a “wife”
Your bride. Your better half. Spouse. Old Lady. Other half. Wifey. Missus. Little woman. Ball and chain. Wife.
I have a confession: I dislike every phrase or word above when it’s used to describe the woman to whom I’m married. Some phrases I strongly dislike; others I approach with more mild distain. For going-on five years I’ve been married to Megan and I still don’t even like the word “wife” to describe her.
Be it an English language problem or just a personal issue, I just can’t stop myself from flinching when I use even the word “wife” or “spouse.” Most often these days, especially when writing, I use the word “partner,” but even that has its issues.
Though I’ve thought about it a lot, I’m not sure exactly why even the traditional and straightforward “wife” annoys me. Perhaps it’s that I don’t see Megan in that traditional role at all. Sure, there’s some wife/husband stereotypes present in our relationship — Megan buys more shoes than me (just barely), I’m the fix-it guy around the house (or, I call the real fix-it guy) — but there’s enough untraditional about our relationship that I still don’t like the phrase “wife” (Megan asked me to marry her, after all, and I do most of the housework). Perhaps, instead, it’s that I’m self-conscious about being seen by others in a conventional wife/husband relationship. Perhaps it’s just that the word “wife” has an ugly sound to it (like “moist,” “magma,” and “panties”).
Then there’s the LGBTQ rights angle. I’m certainly aware, when referring to anything about my marriage, that the same rights Megan and I enjoy are not afforded to people of the same gender. And that pains me deeply. So, a part of me wants to say, “Until all people have the right to marry the person whom they love, I’ll refrain from flaunting my marriage with the term ‘wife’.” I accept that that’s a pretty flimsy step towards justice, but for some at least, it’s a start.
Of my 20/30 something friends who’ve been married for a few years, most have come to use the words “wife” and “husband” without any bother. While it brought them up short early in their marriages, they have become accustomed. For some, they accept “wife” and “husband” as terms that needed a certain rehabilitation for them, but after some time, the job was done. I’m not immediately aware of any couples who totally avoid the words, but I may be forgetting some. In any case, it’s not many.
But here I am, going-on five years of marriage and still not comfortable with how to refer to the person to whom I’m married. A simple “Megan” works in many contexts. I think “partner” works alright sometimes, but using “partner” leads some people to believe we’re not actually married, just dating. An old minister professor of mine who was married to a pastor used to refer to his spouse as “my partner in life and ministry,” but that’s a mouthful and just weird. Alternatively, the phrase “life partner” just lacks the gravitas I’m looking for.
Maybe I just need to get over it. Maybe, after a few more years, I will. But, for now, that’s my confession: I’m no man for a “wife.”
Thursday Mind Dump
I usually blog structured reflective short essays, but I’ve got too much going on at the moment. So, a change in form (Steve likes lists):
I’m excited and a bit overwhelmed that:
- Another article of mine was published in The Christian Century, (sorry no link, dead tree edition only). It’s entitled “Songfest: Challenges for a hymnal committee.”
- I will be the preacher for two weeks of Montreat Youth Conferences in early June 2011
- I will begin an eight-week stint blogging as The Christian Century featured blogger next week (site relaunch to come on their end soon, I’m told)
- I’m taking Comm 507: Communication, Technology, and Media at the University of North Dakota this semester
- I’ll be preaching on Oct 24th, with Dr. Martha Moore-Keish, at the 25th Anniversary celebration of my parents’ time at First Presbyterian in Tallahassee.
I’m grateful that:
- I have been at First Press Hallock for a year and much of the first-time craziness has worn off
- I just got back from a time of vacation and rest
- the food from Red Goose Gardens, our CSA, is so delicious
- I read Everything: A Novel by Kevin Canty – dazzling writing, gripping story
- Autumn temperatures have arrived
- Megan and I celebrated our four year wedding anniversary last weekend
I’m considering especially:
- if Minnesota Public Radio really means to announce their BBC Proms programming with the adjective “infamous” as in their frequently-heard advertisement this week: “the infamous last night of the Proms”–or am I just missing something?
- my first go at teaching confirmation and looking forward to using re:form
- how on vacation, I rarely looked at Facebook, and that was ok, even nice
- why pine nuts are so darn expensive
- race and how we speak of racism in American and reading White Like Me: Reflections on Race from a Privilidged Son by Tim Wise and Why are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Beverly Daniel Tatum.
image by Fred Fokkelman
Married to a Medical School Student
That’s me. At one time, my partner Megan worked for Luther Seminary in St. Paul, during which time she began a support blog for the spouses of seminary students in the distance learning program she coordinated. So surely it’s only fair for me now to reflect on being a med school spouse. My advice in a sentence: be flexible, and remember it’s not really about you.
Ten things on being married to a med school student:
- It ain’t cheap. Yes, you know this, but you perhaps forgot about the be-gillions of costs above tuition — books, scalpels, a PDA, tests, a stethoscope, etc. (that Fisher Price set just doesn’t cut it anymore.)
- You’re a natural guinea pig. Every eight weeks, I pretend to be a standardized patient. This is cool, except when your spouse uses the largest hole thingy to look in your ear and nose (didn’t happen to me, but a friend. He screamed. She was supposed to use the smaller one.)
- Get ready to cook a lot. Again, not just my experience but shared by the other spouses. I cook most meals for us, which I really enjoy. It’s a gift to provide nourishment for those gray cells.
- Your schedule is determined by the testing schedule. Before Megan started, I had heard stories of spouses taking vacation by themselves in the week before their partner’s exams. I thought this was over the top, until I experienced the whole-household stress of pre-exam week. Multiple-day meetings away never looked so good.
- It’s totally cool seeing your spouse thrive. Well, at least that’s the case for me. Megan loves learning, and I love seeing her happy.
- You’re the connection to the outside world. I’ve always been the newsy one in the family, but that’s increased ten-fold since med school. Med students study a ton, and that’s about it (well, they try to sleep a bit, at least). Heck, even the curriculum at UND couldn’t accommodate a discussion on health care reform when it passed.
- Ice cream, cookies, and surprise coffee deliveries are a bonus for everyone.
- In med school hangouts, most conversation goes over your head. Embrace it: this presents a great opportunity for cheesy jokes and puns.
- It takes a while to benefit from your spouse knowing all things medical (apparently, they must not learn all things medical until year three or so). The joke, “you’re in medical school, can you look at this _________” gets old. But, yes, it’s still fun
- Make your dates and rituals to incorporate studying. For example, most Thursdays late afternoon finds us in Starbucks together — Megan studying, me writing. Saturday morning bakery runs are a fun date as long as you read the paper and your spouse reads lecture notes. That’s life these days. It’s fun. Be flexible.
image by sanja gjenero
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